You Can't Buy Love Like That by Carol E. Anderson

Author:Carol E. Anderson
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: She Writes Press
Published: 2017-11-13T05:00:00+00:00

As we rolled down the road toward I-85, Julie turned off the radio and asked how I felt.

“Well, that didn’t turn out like I thought it would,” I said. “She used to be different—fun and funny, with a great sense of humor. I’m sorry she was so mean.”

“That’s okay. You should meet some of my relatives,” Julie said with a laugh.

I glanced her way again and saw that she still had her eyes fixed on me.

“What are you thinking?” I asked, worried that this bad start to the vacation had really put a damper on the whole thing.

“I want to tell you something.”

I had no idea what she was about to say, but I feared that she didn’t want to be my friend anymore. Maybe she had heard stories about me being gay. I gripped the wheel a little tighter and waited for the bad news.

“What is it?” Jesus, I thought—just spit it out. I can take it.

“I was thinking that I would really like to kiss you.”

I turned sharply in her direction to see if she was joking or if some weird spell had come over her. Not only was that the last thing I expected; it was also way beyond the last thing I wanted, and my immediate response was a resounding, “Oh, no you wouldn’t.” It wasn’t the most sensitive approach, but I was having none of that again. I thought Julie was straight. I certainly knew that I wanted to be. What now? I wondered. Do I explain what happened to me with Nicky, and how horrible it was in spite of how wonderful it was, too? Do I admit that, even though I have been fighting against it, I am attracted to her, also? Or do I just keep my mouth shut?

I pulled off at the first rest area and stopped the car. My uneasiness increased as I turned toward her. Before I spoke, I made her promise that she would never tell anyone what I was about say. She swore that she wouldn’t, and I spilled out my whole story. I told her about Nicky and the terror I felt in having those feelings because of my Christian upbringing, and about the guilt that followed me everywhere because I loved Mike and he was such a good person. I told her about the horror of being confronted by the other RAs, the dread my parents would find out, and how I was terrorized each time the phone rang at home, certain someone was calling to tell them I was gay. And that, even though I could feel the intermittent waves of attraction to her, I was not, for any reason, under any circumstance, ever going to act on them.

Now I felt totally exposed—first for sharing what I had done before, and second for telling her I had similar feelings toward her. She was quiet for a while as I sat nervously wishing I could roll the words I had spoken back up into my mouth.

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